Thursday, February 23, 2006

Where do I Belong?

Many people have the need to belong somewhere, to be a part of a community they call home, to feel loved and respected by the people around them, I think all of us want to be acknowledged especially by our families and friends, now what happens to those who suddenly find them self not fitting in to what there families/communities expects of them, and raised them to believe in, they no longer want to live that life style they where brought up with, they no longer believe in the system, and what is or isn't considered the right way for them to live...

What now? What happens next? Where does one turn to when there is no room for change, when there is no room for gray, when no matter what they do they are going to be labeled and stamped forever, what does one do when they find them self's in this situation? How do you suppose they go about fitting into a new and unfamiliar world to them? All they know is one way and one way only, many find them self lost, confused & alone, some can't even bring them self's to express there inner feelings and doubts, to express who they really are inside, not to there families, not to there friends, not to anyone around them, knowing that they will be looked down upon, knowing that if they speak to anyone about this they will no longer be to them, what they where till now, if they decide to change the way they dress or live there life diffrently, they will be shunned out completely, not invited to any family event's or get togethers (weddings, bar mitzvah's etc.)
they face the risk of losing everything that is dear and close to there heart.

Imagine for a minute what it most feel like to have to face losing your loved ones? Those you call family, those you call dear friends, those who always treated you like one of them, is about to shut them out from there life forever, imagine the guilt, the fear, the shame they are faced with?

many do take the risk because they simply don't wont to live dishonest to them self's and continuously lie, hide, or portray a false image of them self, fear can no longer keep them closed in, fear is no longer enough for them to stay stuck in a life they resent, and continue to resent more by lying and deceiving everyone around them, they take that risk despite of everything they might or can lose, but now they face a new struggle, where do they start? How do they go about finding inner peace? How do they go about building a new life? How do they go about making new friends? What tools do they have to survive in a unfamiliar world to them? I will let you my dear readers add your thoughts and input to this topic..

Monday, February 20, 2006

Giving up on having what you deserve..

I notice many times when it comes to certain people how deep there denial run there lives, maybe this is just my opinion, I might be wrong, but take for instants a person who knows that there spouse is cheating on them but still stick around in the relationship, What is it that makes a person want to stay with someone that cheated on them? I always wonder what people like this tell them self's? I can't see my self being in a relationship where the trust as been broken, maybe I'm just not willing to accept that anyone would be willing to stay with someone that is not worthy of there love & trust in them.

I see many people that are married and have two totally separate lives, living in two separate worlds, is it that people just give up on ever having what they really would want out of a marriage? and settling for less?
or they just give up on ever having a real loving caring and some what compatible relationship? what is it like for someone to submit them self's to such a marriage, and not even do anything about it? I would like to hear from others, I personally witnessed many times marriages that seem to be just like a partnership in business not what I would call a marriage, I'm just wondering, I see it as giving up on humanity, giving up on your dreams, giving up on having what you really deserve to have,
It sadness me to see how many live this way, when you can do something about it instead of just giving up, What do you think?

Intimate relationships cannnot subsitute for a life plan. But to have any meaning or viability at all, a life plan must include intimate relationships.
Harriet Lerner.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

"Happy Valentines Day"


Today in particular I've been thinking a lot about relationships, everyone is wishing me happy valentines day, but since I'm currently single, I kind of feel a little bit excluded, not having that special someone in my life to celebrate and make this a special evening.

It makes me feel a bit lonely inside, does anyone else relate to this feeling? I think relationships can be so complex, finding that special someone to share your life with, especially when you have kids, I'm at this point in my life where I don't want a meaningless relationship, I don't want instant gratification either, It does not satisfy me at all to just go out there and get laid it does not appeal to me to go from one relationship to the next just because I can.

I want a healthy & stable long term relationship, I'm not sure if I'm ready to commit my self to a serious relationship yet, maybe I'm just to afraid to get hurt again, I have been pushing it off for quiet some time now, the all dating scene, after my last break up which was a very pain full experience for me, I took a break from dating, its been a couple of years now and I still have not seriously dated in a while.
I don't know if I'm fully ready to be totally vulnerable and open to love someone fully, the way I feel a relationship should be, with out those walls up, with out the fear of fully expressing your feelings, the thought of it still scares me.
Does anyone relate to this feelings? I'm sure some of you do, I can use some suggestions and maybe even a push to go out there and make something happen.

I wish you all A Happy Valentines day <3 <3 <3

Thank you....

I want to thank a very Dear and special friend of mine.......
for the art work & graphic design that he spend his precious time on to have it put up on my blog, and in making the blog look just the way I like it.
sorry for being a pain in the butt sometimes....You did an amazing job.

I would love to put your company name and reference on my blog, but as you know right now due to keeping the blogs anonymity I can't.

I'm truly grateful and appreciative for all you did for me this last couple of days & for all the other times that you have been there for me, I'm honored to have a special friend like you.

Thank you so much!!!!!

Have a safe trip tomorrow and come back in one peace ;-)

Love
Begreatfull

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Taking Time out.........

I find that taking time out from my daily routine, even just for a few days, you come back so much more relaxed and calm, there is something about getting away from every day schedule, not having to get up early in the morning, get the kids dressed and off to school, do homework, prepare dinner, wash laundry, clean up the house, not to have to do anything at all, that in it self is vacation for me.

it's like recharging a battery, I definitely think I should do this more often, I tend to push off my own needs, being a single mom and doing everything on my own, I keep telling my self not now, next time, there is so much to do, you can't just get away, but the truth is there is always something to do, nothing will run away if I take a break from time to time, getting away even just for a couple of days made me realize how important it is to take time off, I have to keep in mind that If I don't take care of my self, I'm not really able to be good to my kids either, I need to treat my self better, this all week I felt so much more relaxed, everything went smoothly at home with the kids and at work.

I watched a clip the other day, this young boy who keeps calling his dad at work to talk with him, but the father keeps hanging up the phone, to wrapped up in his work to make time for his child, it made me sad watching it, it got me thinking how I my self can be so wrapped up in work, or to busy with my daily routine, many times I come home from work tired after a hectic day at work, my kids get home from school and need my attention, and all I want to do is tune out from the world, watching the clip made me think of how much time I really spend with my kids, and how much time I spend at work, It's true, I spend more time at work than at home with the kids, even though I try to spend quality time with each child at least twice a week, just to listen to there needs and how there day went at school, I think I don't do it has often as I should, when I get away on vacation, and being away from work and the kids, I'm able to step out of the picture and observe from the outside to see things clearer, see how I can improve my self.

being a single mom can be pretty hectic, doing everything on your own, I think single mom's need to take vacations more often, I give a lot of credit for all those single mothers out there who work full time, with all the responsibilities they have, for me personally I enjoy having responsibilities, I remember in the begining after I got divorced I had very little experience of what it takes to be on your own, go to work and support your self, I was always a stay at home mom, with out any major job experiences, besides babysitting here and there, or working in a matzah bakery erev pesach, now I work in a office running three businesses at once, It does feel good when I know I learned it the hard way and on my own, and I'm able to pay the bills on time, and take care of my kids, I just need to pay more attention to my needs and take a break from time to time, not wait to long to get away, life is short and its not all about work, if I will make time to take care of me, the outcome will be that I will take better care of my kids.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Back in town..

Hello Hello My Dear Readers:

I had a very relaxing vacation, I'm very grateful that I was able to get away from my busy schedule, I suggest everyone to get away from the cold for a couple of days, It's a nice treat in middle of the cold winter, I did do something really stupid laying in the hot sun with out any sun tan lotion, I'm not able to sit sleep or move with out pain, this too shall pass!!
I thought since I usually tan well it won't happen, but well I learned my lesson, (just a suggestion to you, never go under the sun with out lotion on, trust me it burns) But you know what, it was all worth it, and as we say in yiddish "biz die chasana vet zich shoin ales oysheilen" (till the wedding it will all be healed) I bet if I tell my father I got sun burn he will say "yo yo de gehenim brent noch mer" (yes hell burns a lot more) Don't worry: I'm not concerned about that ;-)

The reason I went to florida was for a JACS retreat , I already wrote about this organization in one of my previous post, I had a very nice experince, to be around people in recovery and growth, especially that we where all Jews and came together from all walks of life for one purpose to help each other stay clean and sober, Jacs is for me what I wish all Jewish would be toward each other, the way you see frum and non religious Jews all together with out judgment everyone treating each other with the out must respect, that is something that I look up to and cherish, to see such unity and love for all walks of life.

I'm not feeling to good right now to write more, I'm nocked out from the sun, I need to keep applying lotions and get some rest to recuperate, But I'm glad to be home with my kids, oy did I miss them..
lets all try to bring this love and non judgmental attitude towards each other, That would be my ultimate dream for all jews to resepct and love one another the way I see it at a Jacs retreat..

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

I'll be back soon..



I'm going on a mini vacation for a few days, I'll tell you all about it when I get back.

I want to thank you all for your support and input, I'm glad to have come in contact with so many wonderful people in just this short period from when I started this blog, I really am gratefull for that, I hope to keep growing and learning from all of you.

I'm willing to take along shliyach mitzvah Gelt ;-)

Litrahot, Kol tuv


be back soon.. Gotta go pack up..