Sunday, March 26, 2006

Age....


I would like to hear your thoughts on what you think about having a relationship with someone much older or younger than your self...? How do you personally feel about it? And does age make a difference when it comes to dating someone older or younger? is getting along intellectually more important? Feel free to share your input..

P.S

What do you see in the picture? Young Lady or old?

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Divorce...


Since I have been through a divorce, I sometimes get people calling me when they are dealing with a divorce, to ask for advice or suggestions on what I think would be the best way to go about there divorce, many of them don't know where to start, should they go to bais din first? or court? the all nine yards....

I got one of this phone calls today from a frum (religious) lady which I personally know the family well, her son is currently going through a divorce, she wanted to know how it was for me when I was going through my divorce dealing with the bais din, also if she should go with her husband to support her son at the GET (divorce) she asked if I think it would make her daughter in law uncomfortable to have her there? she wants to be considerate with her.

personally I think she shouldn't go, even though I can understand she wants to be there has a support for her son, I think for me, I would have been very uncomfortable to have had my in laws present at my GET, I didn't have my parents present at my GET either, I would find it hard to have to face his parents at the GET, I think the GET is painful enough for most woman/men who go through it, to have to face there spouse that many of them have been separated from for quiet a while, besides...the all process can be very emotionally draining for both sides, I think it's enough that by the GET, by Jewish law you have to have I think about 4-5 men present, sometimes complete strangers that both spouses don't even know, (by Jewish law you have to have a few men present has witnesses for the GET to be valid) the men are standing there watching your every move, the all ceremony of the Jewish GET where the husband has to give over the GET papers into the wife's hands while she is standing there like a Klotz with both her hands stretched out for him to put the papers above her hands and have it land perfectly with out falling on the ground, by my GET, the first time my ex-husband was trying to give me the GET in my hands, it didn't land in my hands, it landed on the floor, besides that when it did land in my hands according to all those people watching us there, we had to re-do it because they said one of them didn't see well, so I did it a couple of times, until we got it right, than I had to put the GET under my arm and walk with it to the door and back into the room, If you ask me, I'd say it was pretty ridicules and embarrassing at the same time, this all ritual is ridicules to begin with, I think for both the men & the woman, I would not suggest any family members from any side of the family to be present, there you are crying your eyes' out, your going through so many different emotions, your ending a marriage for god sake, to me getting the GET is a very personal matter, and on top of that to have everyone around you watching you like a hulk, how not personal is that?

This woman asked me what I feel would be the best way to deal with her daughter in law, since she wants her son put into a different yashiva (chaiyder) from where he is currently attending, being that she would like to start dressing differently, and the yashiva where her son is going now does not approve of how she is going to dress, this woman explained to me that they (the fathers side) would want there grandson to stay in the current yashiva, since most of her grand kids attend this yashiva, but not only that- this yashiva has been the chassidus (sect) they belong to for many generations, the father of the boy and the family, all attended this yashiva growing up, and she too wants her grandson to grow up that way, with-in this particular sect, on the other end the yashiva where the mother wants to put the son, is not the sect they are apart off.

I do understand both sides of the coin here, since I went through a similar situation my self, I understand that the mother wants to change and she does not want to constantly put up with the yashiva not approving of the way she is going to dress or live her life, I also understand the fathers side where they want to keep the child with-in the chassidus (sect) they are apart of.

I was very open with this woman with what I think of this all situation, I told her that maybe what I have to say might come off as harsh to her, but I think her and her family's needs does not really come first here, since I believe that children's well being comes first in any divorce,
and if in this case they are going to hurt this child by keeping him in this yashiva, because he will be put down by other kids in class for how the mother dresses, they have to do what's best for him and not keep him there, It's not just about them here, its about what's in the best interests of this boy.

when it comes to divorce I find that kids sometimes end up suffering the most, many times both parents are stubborn to get there way, whether its the yashiva that they disagree with, or how the children should be raised, many times parents don't do what is in the best interests of the kids.

I have seen many people who get divorced, fight over every stupid little thing, creating so much tension, and drama between each other, the kids end up suffering the must.

I do understand that keeping the kids in a religious yashiva is important for a religious parent, and I understand that as a parent you feel that you have a right to decide which yashiva/school your child/children should attend or not, but if what is in the best interests of there child is not taken in account, then the parents wants and needs does not matter, cause its simply selfish, if its going to hurt the kids.

in a case when one parent as sole custody, and there life style is very different from the other parent, they have to consider that they can't cut there kids in half and raise them two different ways, YES- It might not be fair to one parent or the other, but kids I believe need consistency, one way, not one day here and one day there, it can't be for example in this case, chassidish one day, and modern orthodox the other, its confusing enough for the kids going through this all change, it's painful enough for them that there parents are getting divorced.

It's a shame how so many parents who are getting divorced hurt there kids so much, all the fighting, and bad mouthing one another to the kids, they think they are getting even by doing this or having revenge, when really what they are doing is hurting the kids, it's plain cruel.

I told this woman that she should really re-think what is in the best interests of her grandson, she said she thinks about her grandsons well being, And I believe she does in her own way, but what I see is that she wants him to grow up in the same sect more than anything else, in my eyes that's not really in the childs best interests, she might be caught up in the mentality that some of this sects have, that having her grandson raised with-in there sect is in his best interests.

In this case what I hear is that the mother only wants to change how she dresses, not about her not wanting to live a religious life style, and even if that would be the case, I think that parents have to take in account by which parent the kids are living with, if the kids live with one or the other, they have to be in a school and a living environment that is suitable for that parents life style, so that the children won't be put down by others because of how there parents dress or live there life.

I think this boy should not be kept in this yashiva, since there is a big chance that he will have to deal with kids in his class making fun of him, or telling him that his mother is a shiksa, just because she comes dressed in a denim skirt (jeans) or in a pony tail sheitel (wig), the way this woman described her daughter in law will be dressing, not only that- she said that her daughter in law is becoming less frum (less observant)

already they are judging her by the way she will be dressing, that this makes her not so religious anymore, I was actually laughing to my self by the way she expressed her self, when what I heard was that all she wants to change is the way she dresses, already she is being viewed as not being so religious observant, the woman I spoke with did say that she is afraid that the kids will make fun of her grandson in school, she is in fact aware of it, but she still does not want him to go to a different yashiva, cause its not going to be apart of the sect they belong to, and this is considered a bad choice by there standards.

I told her, even though I understand her side of the story, and what they think would be best for this child to go, or not to go, is not really what's important here,
I think in any case a child's/children's well being comes first, before what there parents want, be it wanting to keep them with-in the sect, or any other thing they personally want, if its not going to be in the child's best interest they have no right to do it.
they are already discussing whether the father will not pay child support or tuition, if he does not stay where the father wants.

when really they have to consider that this child is living with his mother, and even if it is difficult for them to face that she wants to put her son in a different yashiva, and different sect then there's, the child should be some where, where its more suitable to his mothers life style since he is living with her, what the family wants here is not necessarily in the best interests of this boy.

I would like to hear others opinions on this issues, feel free to comment what ever it is you have to say about it.

Monday, March 20, 2006

My kids...


I took my kids out to go see the movie, "the pink panther" My kids loved it, I enjoyed watching it with them, even more so because I see my kids laughing, I love to see my kids enjoy them self, I like to watch how they react to what's going on, on screen, I love to see them laugh out loud when something funny comes up, I watched them sitting there taking it all in, every so often they will turn to me and ask me mommy what does this mean? or how they will explain to me what they see, It's the most rewarding feeling to me when I see my kids smiling and having a good time, when I came out of the movie, one of my kids asks me Mommy is that guy really that dumb in real life? He meant the character Steven martin, I don't know if its because they thought that the story is real, or maybe they couldn't tell the difference from what is real or acting, honestly Steven martin does give a great performance in any movie I've seen of him so far, he always makes me laugh, ever watched plain trains automobiles? or lonely guy?

I find that kids are like a open book when they feel something they will usually show it or say it out, when they laugh they laugh from the heart, everything is so real and innocent at the same time, they express the most outrages things openly and loudly no matter who might be around listening in, like my son turns around to me in middle of the movie and asked me loudly, mommy what does sexy mean? I heard a couple of people laugh around us ;-) I was taken back for a minute what to answer, or what would be the right way to answer the question, I thought about it for couple of seconds, than I said, it means good looking.

I had a great time with my kids today, I think after my last two post that have not been so uplifting, sharing about my kids is worth, not only to uplift the mood on my blog, but for my self to realize that no matter what I might go through, I have my kids that give me so much more happiness and joy then I can ever ask for, I have to remind my self when I get down, that I have a lot more to be happy for, instead of feeling sorry for my self, after all I have the greatest gift of all, healthy beautiful precious kids, I love them with all my heart and soul..

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Incomplete.....

I have been struggling with a particular issue, and have not been able to come to a conclusion whether to give up on resolving this matter, or just letting it go for now, it's been making me feel a bit anxious.
no matter how much I tried to resolve what I'm presently faced with, it still seems to leave me feeling incomplete inside, the most logical answer that I can come up with on how I can get my self to be complete about it, is for me to come to terms with it, I know from what I've learned in the past, that when something feel unresolved in my life, it wont resolve it self until I actually take the steps to do something about it, and if there is nothing at the moment that I feel I can do about it, than I simply need to accept it for what it is, most of the times when I face a difficult situation I will look for a way to get it resolved, some things I find harder then others to over come, but trying to live in the solution instead of the problem will most of the time helps me get out of it, this time I feel that no matter how much I try to come to terms with what's been concerning me, I kind of feel as if I'm going in circles, ending up exactly where I started,

I know I'm not actually expressing what it is that's been bothering me, and maybe it is unclear to you what I might be expressing here, but I find that blogging gives me the freedom to express my self in many different ways, some will relate to what I'm writing here, some won't, but after all I think most of us deal with similar thoughts and feelings at one point or another, for many of us it can be very different experinces, but ultimately we all have our own struggles that we try to over come some how in our lives.


"You are today where your thoughts have brought you, you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you"

James Lane Allen




Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Dealing with Pain...

I have been going through a painful experience this past couple of days, being that I had to brake away from an unhealthy relationship with someone that I've been very close friends with for many years, I cared a lot about this person, I have been aware for a while that this is a unhealthy situation for me to be in, and that the best thing for me to do, is not to continue with this relationship, I have let my self stick around for this long, hoping that some how we can still be friends even with all the heart ache and craziness it came along with.

Getting out of a unhealthy situation can be a difficult one, even when you know in your heart that it is in your best interests to stay away from it, especially when your continuously hurting over and over again, and allowing your self be dragged down by it.

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, more than once, when people do something hurtful to me, I will try to be forgiving and understanding, in this case I realized that the only way I will stop hurting my self is by putting an end to it, as painful as its been for me to end this, I know that in the long run it is the right thing for me to do, I had to start looking out for my own well being, and stop allowing my self to get hurt over and over again.

I have learned that the ones we love the most, are the ones that can hurt us the most, we rarely get hurt when a stranger would say something hurtful, cause we don't have that loving caring relationship with them, you can shrug it off easily, I know I'm in charge of my own emotions, and that I allow my self to feel what ever it is I feel, the way others treat me, is what I have allowed them to treat me.

part of me this week wanted to numb my self from not feelings any pain, they way I use to deal with pain in the past by using drugs and alcohol to numb my self, Today I know that using is not an option for me, experiencing pain and feeling is part of being human for me and in fact a blessing, running from it does not make it go away, only makes it worse, ending this relationship was/is a painful experience for me, especially when I really cared about this friend, this topic is a very sensitive one for me, but not keeping it bottled up inside makes it so much easier to move on.

I'm sure many of you can relate to this topic, I guess that's how life is, we all have to go through some pain sometimes, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

what steps do you take when you experience pain? How do you go about it? What do you find helps you move on when faced with a painful experience? I would like to hear from you my dear readers..


Pain nourishes courage, You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you.
Mary Tyler Moore (1936)

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

"PURIM"




Purim is a fun holiday for many, especially for kids, they all get the chance to dress up in costumes, they look forward to this day with excitement and joy, talking about which costumes they are going to put on this year, every child looks forward to that day, many grown ups too enjoy this day putting on there own purim costumes, and loosen up a bit.

I Have noticed many years on Purim, people will dress in something they wouldn't dare other wise, I see frum men put on a pair jeans, Nike's sneakers a base ball caps, paint there beard different colors, put on a color full T-shirts, looking like a rapper or some shaygetz out of a bar, it's as if on this day is the only day they get an opportunity to dress the way that they always want to dress, I remember in the past I my self would put on a long wig and show up at my parents Purim sudah (meal) dressed totally different from the all year, when on a regular day I wouldn't dare come in to there home dressed that way, Purim was the only day I felt comfortable to brake some rules, or better said had the chutzpah to be my self, Not that I wear a wig today but you get the picture....

I think for many, this is the only time they really get to reveal what's hiding underneath there religious garb they wear all year round, I also noticed when they get drunk, some will start talking what's inside there stomach, telling everyone all there secrets, it can be interesting to watch and see there true colors come out.

This is my third Purim that I'm clean & sober, Thank god!! I'm very grateful for that.
in the past, on purim I would get completely wasted, especially with all the alcohol around, I do get a bit uneasy with purim around the corner, thinking about those purim's when I was past out on the couch, unabe to even grasp what's going on around me, even though I feel pretty strong today and have no desire to drink, Purim makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, I try to keep my drunken day's, that memory of it fresh in my mind, to remember where I ended up when I was drinking & using, it's what helps me stay away from it, keeping me clean & sober.


Purim, most Jewish homes have alcohol around, the many Jewish alcoholics that I have spoken with, all say the same thing, Purim was a day when I could drink and no one would think I have a drinking problem, all year round we tried to hide it from our families and friends, not to let them see us wasted, But- on Purim was a perfect day for us alcoholics to drink with out anyone judging that we have a drinking problem.

My sister invited me to come to the family Purim party at her house, I'm not sure if I feel comfortable going, when I know my father, and most likely everyone else there will be drinking, and who knows what I will have to deal with, that might make me want to grab one of the bottles from the table and drink it my self.

I learned from being in a twelve step program to stay away from people, places, and things, and this is something I'm very careful of, not to put my self in a situation where everyone is drinking or where something can be a trigger for me to pick up a drink, I Don't know if I will be attending this years Purim party with my family, if I will go, I will make it a short visit, I'm not about to put my sobriety at risk, not that I don't feel strong enough, just to be on the safe side, I don't want to jeopardize my sobriety in any way.

So my dear readers... I would like to hear what you have to say about having the freedom to
express your self's on purim & how do you identify with it?


I wish you all "A Happy Purim"


Please!!!!! Don't Drink & Drive


Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.

Robert Benchley (1889- 1945)