Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Divorcing from your parents


Recently I received a phone call from my mother which came as a big surprise since my mother is never the one to call any of her kids, this is how it's been for many years, me my brothers and sisters have already accepted this fact willingly or not.

I pick up the phone expecting to hear something terrible has happened...maybe she is calling to tell me there is a death in the family (I know my grand mother is very sick) But no thats not why she is calling me for, she called to tell me not to come to my brothers wedding beacuse it will be a big embarrassment to her if the brides family will see that she as a daughter like me and of course she adds I'm shaming god and she can't have me come to the wedding when God is so ashamed of me.. I say to her don't you worry about me and God we have worked out a very good relationship he didn't hire you as his lawyer to speak for him about how he feels about me.. your only using Gods name instead of just saying that you are the one that is embarrassed of me..

I most say I was very surprised that she called to tell me not to come to my brothers wedding, I thought that we have come to have somewhat of decent relationship even if there isn't love between us but at least in the last few years we have been civil with each other even with out my parents approving of my lifestyle, I was invited to my previous brothers weddings, when I came to the wedding she even threw her self at me with tears in her eyes screaming loud... My dearest daughter... I missed you I love you... of course all this was in front of a hall full of people watching us literally in awe of how much my mother loves me & accepts me...she never ever did any of it before, no hugs no kisses not even once.

I ask her what happened..suddenly you don't want me to come you threw your self at me last time, you invited me, you made me feel welcomed... well she says I thought that it will help...you will change.. but no it didn't do a thing... your still the same way.

Surprise surprise I didn't come running back to her asking her for forgiveness and changed my way of life.. mmm the life that I so most hate... can you imagine what a disappointment it is to her? she even lowered her self so low to hug me after 20 something years... and me wanting to bury my self in the ground rather then being held hostage in her arms in front of everyone pretending to show how much she cares about me, WOW!!!! I dared not to stop living the life I live, the life I cherish today.

Of course people like her have to make them self feel good about there own miserable life to tell me that I'm unhappy and miserable. Right!!!!!! she has no clue who I'm what my life consists of she doesn't even begin to know how many wonderful relationships I have today.. so much love and support that she can never even imagine or grasp.. and the thing about it is that I'm totally fine if she isn't apart of my life, Thank God for that.

She tells me I still love you, your still always welcomed to come visit at home but not at a wedding thats not a time for us to do Kiruv with you (bring you closer) as If I need her to do that.. Mmmm she is going to choose when to love me and when she can't? I'm suppose to say sure you tell me where and when I'll make sure to make my self available when its good for you. I said If I'm not good enough to be invited at a wedding I'm not good enough to come visit you at home either.

I said to her you say you love me? when was the last time you called to ask if I'm okay? if the kids are okay? If I need food?.. forget about money thats beside the point You have a divorced daughter with kids don't you ever want to know how she is doing?

She tells me I heard that a mother doesn't have to call her kids, kids have to call there mother.. I said what you heard was wrong, if you say you love your children you have to show it to them, she says No....it's enough that kids know it, I say I'm your daughter telling you now how I feel when you don't call and don't show me love I tell you that I wanted you to hug me to kiss me to put me to sleep with a warm hug as a child and that knowing that you love me isn't enough.. Don't you want to do what your child that you so love asks from you? How do you control your self when your around your kids not to give them a hug a kiss showing how you feel inside?

I can't stop hugging my kids I never will stop, I can't stop not wanting to show my emotions, hold them & kiss them, put them to sleep with warm hugs and kisses every night, when they go to there father I can't fall asleep cause I miss giving them hugs.

She goes well my mother didn't show it so it was hard for me, I say we all know your mother didn't show it and that is why we have been so nice to you beacuse we understand that you didn't grow up with it, but Now, Now that your admitting to it and you say you know how it feels like not to get love why don't you start at least now to show us, its never to late, call your kids Not only me all of us would be so happy that you pick up the phone and just say hello how are you? forget about the past you know what it's like, so change don't keep using your mothers lack of showing you love as an excuse not to do it today.

She didn't really have what to answer to that so she just goes off into a all different topic saying to me I have kept my mouth shut all this years but I still didn't accept how you live your life, I say to her I never asked you to accept how I live, all I say is that I think people can still treat each respectfully and be loving towards each other even though they don't necessarily agree with each others way of life.

She start telling me how I shame god and that I'm a zoynah (whore) beacuse I have been with other people after my ex-husband, in her mind it seemed that she was hoping that I will go back living with my ex beacuse I haven't been with anyone all this years so technically we are totally suitable for each other Right!!!! Like that is what made us suitable to be married? now that she found out I have been with other people suddenly her dreams came crashing down.

I'm not going to write everything that we discussed because it was a very long conversation, I had this conversation not only with my mom but with my father too both this past week I opened up and told them all the things I have kept inside for so many years, I needed to do that to stop keeping what I feel inside and stop pretending that I'm okay with how they raised me and how they choose to treat me and talk down to me the way they do, I know now more then ever that I will never please them no matter what I do, and I don't have to please anymore, Mmm Only come visit when its good for them.

I need to start being more pleasing towards me and really let go of this unhealthy relationship, they can only make me want to go out and drink and use drugs and I have gained to much good in my life to let them effect me, I'm done being a pleaser, now even more so then ever I'm really letting go of all this negativity and I'm even more empowered to live the life I love and cherish and give my kids the love and affection that I never received.

I'm only a stronger and better person today beacuse I don't have to put others down in order to feel good about my self, I don't need to judge others or put blame on anyone to justify staying angry and resentful my all life, I can forgive and move on, you have to allow your self to be honest and say what you feel in order to be free of resentments and that is what I did now.

The fact that I'm able to say what I feel and move on is a healthy sign from my side I'm not letting people have control over my emotions and actions, I'm now fully taking charge of my life in spite of all the abuse and harshness that I endured growing up, this is my only triumph over them Not revenge.

You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation...and that is called loving.
Well then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it.
It is only your aversion to it that hurts, nothing else.

-Hermann Hesse

Monday, October 29, 2007

Shidduchim

Would we make a Shidduch with anyone from the Torah?




There's Avrohom Avinu: He seems to be frum but really he's a BT and his father made idols, not our kind...next.

Yitzchak Avinu
: Well his grandfather made idols, there was all that nastiness with Lot and is half brother is an arab.

Yaakov Avinu: His great-grandfather made idols, his brother went off the derech, his mother comes from a very treyfe family and he wasn't shomer negiah with Rachel Imeinu before they were married and he spent a lot of time with his uncle, who's mammesh a rasha.

Yosef HaTzaddik
: His mother had an idol once and she died early, plus he's a slave and his brothers don't like him, must be something in that and with all the issues with Avraham Avinu and Yitzchak and Yaakov Avinu...better not to.

Moshe Rabbeinu:
Oy, what a maaseh!!!! His parents separated, then they got back together, his parents abandoned him, put him in a basket, he was raised by goyim...not our kind for sure. He may be close to Hashem but his background is so problematic , we wouldn't want him in OUR family!

Calev's descendants
: We don't want to marry into that family. Enough said.

Dovid HaMelech
: Descendants from a Geyoret, not our kind of people. Sure a few generations have gone by but all things being equal shouldn't we look for someone with more 'jewish' background.

Shlomo HaMelech
: See above, all his mother's marriage was very dubious, he is rich though but the yichus and family background is very tricky.

P.S
I can't help but laugh at how true this is, I think it really explains it well exactly how its done in many Jewish orthodox circles especially with how I grew up.