Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Divorcing from your parents


Recently I received a phone call from my mother which came as a big surprise since my mother is never the one to call any of her kids, this is how it's been for many years, me my brothers and sisters have already accepted this fact willingly or not.

I pick up the phone expecting to hear something terrible has happened...maybe she is calling to tell me there is a death in the family (I know my grand mother is very sick) But no thats not why she is calling me for, she called to tell me not to come to my brothers wedding beacuse it will be a big embarrassment to her if the brides family will see that she as a daughter like me and of course she adds I'm shaming god and she can't have me come to the wedding when God is so ashamed of me.. I say to her don't you worry about me and God we have worked out a very good relationship he didn't hire you as his lawyer to speak for him about how he feels about me.. your only using Gods name instead of just saying that you are the one that is embarrassed of me..

I most say I was very surprised that she called to tell me not to come to my brothers wedding, I thought that we have come to have somewhat of decent relationship even if there isn't love between us but at least in the last few years we have been civil with each other even with out my parents approving of my lifestyle, I was invited to my previous brothers weddings, when I came to the wedding she even threw her self at me with tears in her eyes screaming loud... My dearest daughter... I missed you I love you... of course all this was in front of a hall full of people watching us literally in awe of how much my mother loves me & accepts me...she never ever did any of it before, no hugs no kisses not even once.

I ask her what happened..suddenly you don't want me to come you threw your self at me last time, you invited me, you made me feel welcomed... well she says I thought that it will help...you will change.. but no it didn't do a thing... your still the same way.

Surprise surprise I didn't come running back to her asking her for forgiveness and changed my way of life.. mmm the life that I so most hate... can you imagine what a disappointment it is to her? she even lowered her self so low to hug me after 20 something years... and me wanting to bury my self in the ground rather then being held hostage in her arms in front of everyone pretending to show how much she cares about me, WOW!!!! I dared not to stop living the life I live, the life I cherish today.

Of course people like her have to make them self feel good about there own miserable life to tell me that I'm unhappy and miserable. Right!!!!!! she has no clue who I'm what my life consists of she doesn't even begin to know how many wonderful relationships I have today.. so much love and support that she can never even imagine or grasp.. and the thing about it is that I'm totally fine if she isn't apart of my life, Thank God for that.

She tells me I still love you, your still always welcomed to come visit at home but not at a wedding thats not a time for us to do Kiruv with you (bring you closer) as If I need her to do that.. Mmmm she is going to choose when to love me and when she can't? I'm suppose to say sure you tell me where and when I'll make sure to make my self available when its good for you. I said If I'm not good enough to be invited at a wedding I'm not good enough to come visit you at home either.

I said to her you say you love me? when was the last time you called to ask if I'm okay? if the kids are okay? If I need food?.. forget about money thats beside the point You have a divorced daughter with kids don't you ever want to know how she is doing?

She tells me I heard that a mother doesn't have to call her kids, kids have to call there mother.. I said what you heard was wrong, if you say you love your children you have to show it to them, she says No....it's enough that kids know it, I say I'm your daughter telling you now how I feel when you don't call and don't show me love I tell you that I wanted you to hug me to kiss me to put me to sleep with a warm hug as a child and that knowing that you love me isn't enough.. Don't you want to do what your child that you so love asks from you? How do you control your self when your around your kids not to give them a hug a kiss showing how you feel inside?

I can't stop hugging my kids I never will stop, I can't stop not wanting to show my emotions, hold them & kiss them, put them to sleep with warm hugs and kisses every night, when they go to there father I can't fall asleep cause I miss giving them hugs.

She goes well my mother didn't show it so it was hard for me, I say we all know your mother didn't show it and that is why we have been so nice to you beacuse we understand that you didn't grow up with it, but Now, Now that your admitting to it and you say you know how it feels like not to get love why don't you start at least now to show us, its never to late, call your kids Not only me all of us would be so happy that you pick up the phone and just say hello how are you? forget about the past you know what it's like, so change don't keep using your mothers lack of showing you love as an excuse not to do it today.

She didn't really have what to answer to that so she just goes off into a all different topic saying to me I have kept my mouth shut all this years but I still didn't accept how you live your life, I say to her I never asked you to accept how I live, all I say is that I think people can still treat each respectfully and be loving towards each other even though they don't necessarily agree with each others way of life.

She start telling me how I shame god and that I'm a zoynah (whore) beacuse I have been with other people after my ex-husband, in her mind it seemed that she was hoping that I will go back living with my ex beacuse I haven't been with anyone all this years so technically we are totally suitable for each other Right!!!! Like that is what made us suitable to be married? now that she found out I have been with other people suddenly her dreams came crashing down.

I'm not going to write everything that we discussed because it was a very long conversation, I had this conversation not only with my mom but with my father too both this past week I opened up and told them all the things I have kept inside for so many years, I needed to do that to stop keeping what I feel inside and stop pretending that I'm okay with how they raised me and how they choose to treat me and talk down to me the way they do, I know now more then ever that I will never please them no matter what I do, and I don't have to please anymore, Mmm Only come visit when its good for them.

I need to start being more pleasing towards me and really let go of this unhealthy relationship, they can only make me want to go out and drink and use drugs and I have gained to much good in my life to let them effect me, I'm done being a pleaser, now even more so then ever I'm really letting go of all this negativity and I'm even more empowered to live the life I love and cherish and give my kids the love and affection that I never received.

I'm only a stronger and better person today beacuse I don't have to put others down in order to feel good about my self, I don't need to judge others or put blame on anyone to justify staying angry and resentful my all life, I can forgive and move on, you have to allow your self to be honest and say what you feel in order to be free of resentments and that is what I did now.

The fact that I'm able to say what I feel and move on is a healthy sign from my side I'm not letting people have control over my emotions and actions, I'm now fully taking charge of my life in spite of all the abuse and harshness that I endured growing up, this is my only triumph over them Not revenge.

You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation...and that is called loving.
Well then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it.
It is only your aversion to it that hurts, nothing else.

-Hermann Hesse

18 Comments:

  • Holy hell. That must hurt so much. I'm sorry you have to deal with such a woman.

    By Blogger Jewish Atheist, at Thursday, 01 November, 2007  

  • Yes it hurts that I have parents that I actually can say this words to. its a healing process and I'm overcoming it. They are not worth for me to feel sad over.

    By Blogger Begreatfull, at Thursday, 01 November, 2007  

  • i'm sorry that your parents don't realize what a wonderful daughter they have. it is truly their loss.
    good for you for finally expressing your feelings that have been botled up all these years.as painful as it was, it must have at the same time been a healing experience.
    keep up taking care of yourself, we are all rooting for you.

    much love and respect.
    g-x-c

    By Blogger gay-ex-choosid, at Friday, 02 November, 2007  

  • Gayex:

    Thank you for your encouraging words
    and yes it is a healing experience when you stop holding things inside

    I feel like a big weight just lifted up from my chest I'm even able to breath more freely.

    gay-ex you said just the right words that I need to hear thank you .

    By Blogger Begreatfull, at Saturday, 03 November, 2007  

  • Damn! Hope you fell better now. :)

    By Blogger Shtreimel, at Thursday, 08 November, 2007  

  • i havent read your blog in a while. i'm shocked. not as shocked by the story (due to the fact that i too come from an orthodox family, and i know that underneath all the gestures of love and caring my parents show for me, lies a strong binding clause , we love you as long as you do what we think is right.. ) as i am shocked that there hasnt been an outpouring of comments lending support and empathy for this terrible heartless reaction you endured.

    after giving it much thought, i think that a lot of your readers, albeit their self-proclaimed openmindedness still have a the lingering symptoms of the retardation, we so endearingly call, "frumkeit" . I am telling you, from reading this post, i see a beautiful neshama, a beautiful person , fighting the hands of the devil . i have no other way of describing it.. maybe its what our forefathers warned us about, avodah zorah, i dont know.
    but please dont forget you are loved by god, and if i ever get married you are invited to my wedding.

    By Blogger slowcooker, at Saturday, 10 November, 2007  

  • I second G-X-C's comment.
    Words left unsaid are much more painful.

    By Blogger Jonas, at Saturday, 10 November, 2007  

  • for many of us, getting on with our lives as individuals is as you very well said "divorcing your parents"... I realized that the one time a year that i do visit my father, on the High Holy Days, and stay over, i come back miserable and snappy, angry and hateful. here i think i am doing him a favor, but in the long run i am hurting myself - which i am slowly learning is the one who counts...
    this peice truly does hit home...

    By Blogger Kaya G., at Sunday, 11 November, 2007  

  • slowcooker:

    Thank you for your thoughtful comment and encouraging words.

    I want you to know that I feel alot better and stronger today beacuse I stopped holding on to what I kept/felt inside all this years the pain and abuse that I went through I never told my parents how I really feel about them and it feels so much better knowing that I stood up and said what I had to say and I can keep moving forward and not pretend that I'm okay with the way they treated me like I always kept my mouth shut just to make them happy, now there is no need for me to keep pretending and trying to please them in anyway. I'm just going to continue living and make sure that I have good and positive people in my life that love me and respect me just for the way I'm, and the truth is I'm very very blessed I have that and I only choose to stick with those that are healthy and stable and support me and stand by me no matter who and what I'm.

    I'm able to over come many other obstacles and have become more empowered and stronger today.

    Kaya.g

    thats exactly my point for doing what I did I'm not willing to keep going there and being the nice daughter that is always so thoughtful and caring to give them their respect. and then be invited when its only good for them they don't deserve for me to waste my breath and energy on them.

    What I realize after all Is that I just have to start loving my self more and treat my self better and let go of those relationships that are simply unhealthy for me.

    Kaya. I say do what is best for you and live the life you want and love cause they might not ever come around.. just be good to your self and only allow people that really know how to treat you good and love you for just being you to be in your life and be a support.

    By Blogger Begreatfull, at Tuesday, 13 November, 2007  

  • Heavy stuff
    Nothing to do with religion or frumkayt.
    Sorry , I know nobody like hearing bad 'bout their family but talking like that just means she is a jerk.
    Why blame all erliche, for the individual.
    Most likely she was spoken to like that by her elders or teachers.
    I still maintain that children are born plain vanilla, its their upbringing that ruins them.

    By Blogger yingerman, at Tuesday, 13 November, 2007  

  • Yingerman:

    I agree not all erliche people are this way, one as nothing to do with the other, but there are definitely allot of those who use religion (*any religion) to treat others cruel and use it when its good for them and for there benefits

    By Blogger Begreatfull, at Tuesday, 13 November, 2007  

  • Yingerman,

    I am not blaming all "ehrliche" for the individual.

    you are right. you can not blame one persons actions on anothers .

    but.

    you can blame one persons actions on an idea, a phenomenon . "ehrlichkeit" ...

    what a crooked word.. what a crooked world..

    By Blogger slowcooker, at Saturday, 17 November, 2007  

  • Hey guys, what an extremely painful and hurtful topic this is.

    I cant seem to divorce my parents fully, but everytime i let them in my life, boom, shit hits the fan. they claim they love me, but why doesnt it feel that way.

    I too was not very welcome at my sibling's wedding, the shame my parents would experience took over. on one had i understand them, they are to niave and fearful to do the right thing, and im proud of myself that i can be a better, more courages person.

    I feel soooo alone for i have recently set out to live on my own, but havent made any true friends.

    By Blogger your ok im ok, at Monday, 19 November, 2007  

  • Your Ok:

    I have learned to create wonderful relationships with people and I have many wonderful friends who respect me and love me for who I'm no matter what, today my friends today are my true family they make everything so much easier to go through when I have them in my life.

    If you ever need a friend I'm here you can email me at begreatfull@gmail.com

    By Blogger Begreatfull, at Monday, 19 November, 2007  

  • My observation reading between the lines is:

    Have they not been abusive parents altogether, the wouldn't have anything not to proud of their daughter, and my intention is not to judge you, but to state the fact.

    as u said it, they are-were abusive, and THAT is not part of their being religious.

    By Blogger nuch a chosid, at Monday, 26 November, 2007  

  • They are not proud of any of us regardless if my siblings are frum or not. They have no idea how to be proud its all about what everyone else will say. even when I was strictly observant they never treated us any better. but I understand where your coming from chosid.

    By Blogger Begreatfull, at Tuesday, 27 November, 2007  

  • Your blog is heart wrenching. I admire you for being such a strong woman. I can't believe that in one evening I managed to read so much about person I have no ties to, at all. You're a beautiful person.

    By Blogger Simply Curious, at Thursday, 31 January, 2008  

  • Simply Curious:

    Thank you for your thoughtful comment, its nice to know that even strangers can have an impact on each others live's in some ways.

    By Blogger Begreatfull, at Tuesday, 01 April, 2008  

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